Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Randomize
