I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
