I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Randomize
