it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Randomize
