well I can't set my house on fire every night
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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