All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Your penis caused this!
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
