i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
