This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
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