so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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