Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
We'll make it into fun. If I can make wii bowling into a drinking game, I can make studying spanish into a sex game.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
I'm like, not good at living.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
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