so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Randomize
