I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
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