it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
you traded sex for a burrito?
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
Randomize
