I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
