I just got back to Nicks and I shoul dnot have drank this much when I have to work at 7AM!!!!!
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
