So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
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