I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
the night ended with taco bell and tears
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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