My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
i jhust puked up my retainher.
this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Randomize
