Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
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