Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Randomize
