I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
