We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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