I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
Randomize
