i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
