I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
why do cheetos always look like penises
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
