Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
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