I am midnight drunk by noon
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Randomize
