homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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