Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
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