That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
