I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
