i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
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