It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
Randomize
