is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
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