My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
