dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
found the other keg... it's in the tree
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
Randomize
