I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
