This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
The best revenge is premature balding
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
JAMES WASHOMGTON STATE ATTACKED US
WE'RE FYCKED UL HARDCORW
THE REISLING ATRACEX US
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Randomize
