just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
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