Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Are my feet made of real feet?
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Randomize
