she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
