I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
I wish you could order shots online.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
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