What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
