I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
