I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
‪He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life‬
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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