Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
I have already put on my inside pants.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Randomize
