I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
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