her vagina looked like bernie madoff
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
