Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
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