I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
Randomize
