Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
are we going to glenview for practice??
(3 hrs later) aids
where r u? what is story? im way too high right now
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
Randomize
